My Cat is Disturbed

Cats are strange members of the animal kingdom, I give you that. They are typically odd creatures who intentionally insult everyone they come in contact with. People who love cats usually can't get them to come near them when they want to pet them, and people who dislike cats can't seem to make them go away. This is part of feline genetics. Just like how animals can sense fear, cats have the natural instinct to instantaneously and precisely calculate how they can cut a person down lower than the pellets of the mice they catch. Somehow, I may be cursed to be a spinster cat-lady for life, because I've always been somewhat of their "alpha female" or something twisted like that, because they usually act pretty much like dogs with me. Who knows. Anyway, Zeus is taking it to a whole new level, and Salem is not far behind. They act pretty bizarre. Fortunately, thank GOD Biscuit acts like a NORMAL cat and continuously gives me 'go straight to hell' looks, so I still have hope. Zeus has an OCD thing going on. He has this uncontrollable obsession with grabbing my face with his paws, and rubbing his cold, wet nose, and drooling mouth all over my face. Have you ever seen a cat drool? It's weird. He stalks me to do it. He knows my routine, so he'll hide in the bathroom cabinet until I get home from work. As soon as I get on the porcelaine throne, he ambushes me!!!! Opens the door, and leaps from the cabinet onto my lap and grabs my head, and starts his obsessive slobbering and rubbing his mouth on my face. That nose is cold, the whiskers tickle and those claws don't feel so great either! He even hides under the bed or in my closet so he can wake me up at night doing this!!! Zeus has some very serious issues. Salem's aren't quite as bad. He just wants to lay on my pillow above my head and make biscuits, with his paws, in my hair. He gets carried away and chews my hair or gives it a bath sometimes. It's kinda gross, because then my hair smells like fish. Between the Soph waking up and 'digging' into the covers before she does her circles to lay back down, Miranda kicking me in her sleep (not to mention my daily deposit interruption), Salem's hair fetish, and Zeus's nuzzeling issues....I am NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP!!! They all need to get out of my bed!!! I love them....but they all need to resolve their own issues, and stop waking me up @ 3:00 AM!!!